Thursday, January 2, 2014

Stuff and Nonsense

I have this blog, and it's supposed to be a place for me to write what I'm thinking or feeling or whatever, and I never do it.  Mostly because I'm so damn tired all the time.  Not just a little kind of needed a nap or to hit the snooze button tired, but the kind of bone-deep exhaustion that comes from trying valiantly to keep my shit together, and yet constantly being about three seconds away from a complete breakdown.

And it's not even for myself.  It's mostly because I don't have the energy to explain to people what my life is like now. No one has the time or the interest, to be honest, to learn that I consider it a great day because I've only cried twice.  And if I try to explain it to them, they just get this horrified look of pity and despair on their faces, and I end up having to comfort them.

I spend my days running around after a classroom full of three-year-olds because I couldn't get any of the hospitals around here to give me the time of day, let alone a job interview.  And when I come home, I lay on the couch and distract myself with TV or Internet or stupid games on my phone because I know myself well enough to realize that spending a lot of time inside my own head right now is a really bad idea.

And I keep all of this to myself, for reasons that I can't quite explain.  I'm not particularly looking for validation or pity or even company most of the time.  I'd give my right arm for a hour of quiet - complete, total silence, both inside my head and out.

But honestly, it's not like I'm embarrassed about my life or anything.  For the first time, I can honestly say that I couldn't care less about what anyone thinks about me or my choices or anything right now.  So what that I moved in with my parents?  My husband travels a lot for work, and no one thinks it would be a good idea for me to spend any large amount of time by myself right now.

So what if I get irrationally angry at people who still use that damned word 'when?'  I lost my 'whens' the second Matthew's heart stopped beating.  Everything is an 'if' now.  And if I have to live like that, why the hell shouldn't everyone else?

So what if I can barely tolerate being around other people right now?  I'm sorry, I just don't care to speculate on celebrity gossip or rehash old times.  I have nine hours of memory of my son.  Forgive me for wanting to keep every second of that, even at the expense of other memories.

I guess the one blessing that has come out of all this is that the idea of judging myself against anyone else in the universe right now is completely ludicrous.  Yeah, I know a lot of people that are stable in their careers and their lives and their families.  I will happily measure myself against them when they lose their child, their home, and their career at the same time.  If they haven't?  They don't compare, and they aren't allowed to judge me.  And I'm not allowed to judge myself.